I haven’t blogged for over twelve months. The words just wouldn’t come. I needed time away from everything to process my thoughts, my feelings and my heartbreak. I was a shell of myself. The Autumn and Winter arrived with the darker nights, the darker days and the constant downpours of rain. It matched how I felt. I hid away, I went through the motions of everyday living. I felt nothing but pain as Christmas and New Year arrived and left. I wasn’t on my own all the time, I had himself around and along with my cousins and friends, all ensured I was kept occupied.
Last October himself and I had a week away in Playa Blanca, Lanzarote. Our first holiday in over four years. It was another milestone for me to encounter. It was a lovely week away. A strange week away and coming home to the empty house was horrendous. I cried, I ached and I lived to face another day.
I had emergency bereavement counselling over a period of six months which helped enormously, it helped me to see things from a different perspective; how to deal with emotions, obstacles, practicalities and daily life in general. I spent a week in Costa Teguise, Lanzarote, in February, with my beautiful cousin in her home. It was a slow, peaceful, calm week and I felt alive for the first time in a very long time.
I attended two concerts, Nathan Carter and a few weeks later, Derek Ryan. The songs made me cry, the memories can cut you like a knife at times. Four days after the Derek Ryan concert we were in lockdown. The weather went from grey, cloudy and torrential rain to fabulously warm sunshine – in March!! The good weather has more or less lasted and lasted and we’ve had a couple of very hot heatwaves with a couple of random weeks of bad weather thrown in. We were allowed out once a day for exercise. I took up C25K and starting running again. Three of my cousins also started this programme and we would have a regular Houseparty call after our run and we all graduated and still go out for the walk/run.
I took up gardening!! I’m sure my parents must be looking down with surprise that their daughter is in the garden. I enjoyed it so much, I was out there every opportunity I had and it has done me the world of good. The garden had become so overgrown in four years, it was hard work and so satisfying.
I didn’t see himself for 21 weeks as he was shielding his Mom. We had video calls everyday, it’s not the same though is it? I have had so many video calls I’m quite the old hand at it now and it is so good to see people on screen. I met with my cousins and my friend in gardens, all socially distant. It was strange at first not to hug one another but we have got used to it. Just as we have adapted to wearing face masks when we go to the shops, hair salons and other indoor venues. What a strange year we have all had, who would ever have thought this could possibly happen to everywhere in our world. I found lockdown peaceful, healing and therapeutic. It did me good. I know we were blessed with the great weather which undoubtedly helped, yet apart from not seeing himself, my close friends and cousins, lockdown agreed with me.
With all of the above going on, one day I woke up and things had changed. Within me, things had changed within me. For the first time in a very, very long time, I felt positive. I was at peace with myself. I could feel parts of the pre carer me coming back and I could feel a new me appearing. Perhaps I am now in the “Acceptance” stage of grief? All I know is that things feel different, feel good and I can see a new path ahead.
I had reminders that my blog plan was expiring and eventually I logged in and found that I have received a lot of traffic to the blog over the past twelve months which both surprised and inspired me. Perhaps my story so far has helped people with a similar story who have visited the blog from around the world? Perhaps they were just interested in a particular blog story? No matter, you visited and I am extremely thankful that you did.
I have revamped the blog and my social media as a whole. As you know from my Instagram feed I am posting more. My YouTube channel is growing and I am singing again and posting my videos from my “Kitchen Sessions” and receiving such wonderful feedback, my confidence is growing, thank you.
I still have pain, I talk to my parents everyday, I still wish I was with them. I feel them around me and that gives me strength. I have formed the “Single Person Bubble” with the household of himself, I see my close friends and cousins in gardens and I am content. I know I have a new and very different path ahead now. There is more to my story and I’m back to start sharing the sparkle again. Thank you for sticking with me through this period and hello to all the new followers who have arrived over the past months, so good to have you here.
Have a wonderful weekend, stay safe, wear your mask and as always, share your sparkle.