Carsington Revisited

February 16, 2023January 22, 2023 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.Leave a comment

Before I became a full time carer one of the places I used to love going for a walk is Carsington Water. Owned by Severn Trent Water it is a wonderful area of beauty set in the Derbyshire countryside. The circular walk is just about 8 miles and it takes you around the reservoir, through countryside, through a small village and back to the visitor centre. It’s a lovely place to go. The visitor centre has lots of information on local attractions and places to visit. It also houses a rather good restaurant where they have the most delicious cakes, snacks and main meals. The restaurant overlooks the wildlife centre, views of the reservoir and also the small shops and snack bar. There are extensive grounds, a barbeque area, boating and cycle hire and therefore it is a great place to visit for families, couples and singletons. I love it there. We used to go at least twice a year for the circular walk and it was lovely to see the changing seasons as we walked through the various areas. I often said I would love to go there and walk four times a year and experience the four seasons on the walk. We’ve not managed this yet due to the various caring responsibilities but we will, one day.

After the trip to London last October https://atouchofirishsparkle.com/2023/01/13/the-london-trip/ we had returned home a day early due to the rail strikes so we had a surprise additional day together to do as we pleased. Saturday morning was chilly, bright blue skies and sunshine so we decided to go to Carsington Water and do the walk. Something we hadn’t done since 2015. We did things just as we did before, baked potato for lunch in the restaurant and then off on the walk returning for the post walk shortbread biscuit with smarties and a cappuccino, well I have just walked 8 miles…

As you can see from the photo’s the water levels are not as they should be. We were told that the reservoir was at 41% capacity and that that particular week was the first week in eighteen months that the water level had not decreased. A very different picture to what we were used to seeing albeit seven years earlier.

It was a fabulous walk and I admit I had to stop a few times to catch my breath on the uphill stretches and it felt so good to be there, in the fresh air, looking at nature and the two of us talking about everything under the sun. This was a completely unexpected bonus day out for us and we savoured every second of it. When we get to do things like this, you escape for a while from real life and you can be free. My caring journey is over however himself is a full time carer and like I used to be, rarely leaves the house. This was so good for him to get out, get exercise and experience some free time which is so important for carers to do.

If you find yourself in Derbyshire or indeed in the Midlands of the UK, I would recommend Carsington Water as a day out. https://www.stwater.co.uk/our-visitor-sites/carsington-water/ and if you do ever go, let me know how you got on and if the shortbread biscuits with smarties are as good as ever. I can also recommend the fresh baked scones with jam and cream. I used to buy those and take them home to my parents as a treat so I bought one for myself as a treat. As I said, I had walked 8 miles…

With love and sparkles xxx

Life Sparkles

Everything Changed

April 4, 2022April 1, 2022 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.3 Comments

I seen this quote recently and it spoke volumes to me. Everything in my life changed, absolutely everything and yet here I am feeling more me than I ever did before. How does that even make any kind of sense? Yet it makes perfect sense. I’m still the woman I was before and yet I have emerged into a new me. I’m still emerging into a new me. I know we change as we grow, as we experience life, as life happens to us. Perhaps our values and our truth do not change, the core that is us as a person, that may bend and shape as we live through experiences and learn life lessons. But there is something about this emergence which has a feeling of this is the me I was always meant to be. That in turn makes me wonder if this new me was always hidden within, never daring to come out and in latter years when I was in my caring role, there was no time or space to come out.

I have a sense of freedom, a real sense of freedom that I’ve not experienced before. Sometimes this sense of freedom is scary; that protective wall of having someone to ask about decisions you are making, someone to check that you are not totally off the wall in your thinking or in what you are about to do. My parents were fabulous soundboards. Even if I still went off and did what I was going to do, it was very useful to bounce my ideas off them first and I would take their responses on board before I made the final decision. When I was making my decision about giving up work to care for them, I had a meeting with their Doctor and told him what I was thinking of doing and why. I’ll always remember him saying that he could see both Mom and Dad within me. Dad in weighing things up, deliberating and making decisions and Mom as this amazing, wild, spirited woman. I think that is the most wonderful thing anyone has ever said to me and I love that I have their traits. Without me knowing or realising, they instilled strength and independence into me and that undoubtedly has helped me through the past couple of years.

I do of course have himself to bounce my ideas off and he is very like Dad in his thinking. He is a very logical and analytical thinker where as I go with the inner voice and ‘it just is’ so as you can imagine we have some amusing conversations when I’m discussing plans with him. However, he will point things out to me that I may not have thought of and he would never try to prevent me carrying out what I want to do, he just wants to be sure I have thought it through. He can see the pre-carer me coming through and also this new free spirited, I want to try loads of things me that is emerging.

From school days there were always people saying I shouldn’t be singing and dancing around the place, I was too bubbly, I was wild, I wasn’t ladylike and I suppose the more you hear this the more you believe it. The negative words which affected my confidence for most of my life. Until you realise the issue isn’t with you, it’s with them. There’s a huge sense of freedom in this realisation and I have seen many a quote state that someone’s opinion of you has nothing to do with you but all to do with them. Sometimes I regret not having this new found confidence years ago but then again, perhaps now is my time to shine. Stay wild moonchild.

With love and sparkles xxx

Life Sparkles

First Steps.

July 31, 2019July 30, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.Leave a comment

Going out for a walk with himself and then having lunch was an experience. It was perfectly pleasant, a normal kind of thing to do except that we haven’t done anything like that for a very long time. It was a strange experience for me. If I did pop out over the last three years I had the phone almost always in my hand, just in case I received a call to come home quickly. I was forever checking the time to ensure I was back before the carer who was covering for me had to leave. This gentle stroll and going for lunch was an experience for me as I no longer need to check my phone for missed calls. I no longer need to be back home by a certain time. There is no one at home that needs me anymore. My brain is having huge problems processing this information. “New Normal” has not yet kicked in. For now I shall continue to write about my journey from carer to former carer, from daughter to…what? I suppose I still am a daughter but my parents are gone ahead and I can’t see them although I talk to them all the time, it helps.

Yes, another glass of Kir Royale kind Sir.

Bistrot Pierre – reasonably priced and always, always busy.

Arancini – Yummy.

Roast Chicken which was delicious.

Thank you for your wonderful support xx

Life Sparkles

No words.

July 19, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.8 Comments

Yes, I have no words. I feel the need to write about how I’m feeling yet I cannot seem to find the words. How do you describe “this”? I have no idea how to convey the feelings of loss. Loss of my Dad, loss of my Mom and a loss of me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I was a full time carer. I was on the go all the time and I do mean, all the time. Sleep was a premium item, you just keep going because you have to. Now I have all the time in the world to sleep and can’t. When I do wake up in the morning a feeling of complete emptiness consumes me. What do I do? There isn’t anything to do. No-one to look after, no meals to prepare, no washing to do, no phone calls to health professionals, appointments to keep, prescriptions to renew, nothing, absolutely nothing.

The carer’s who were assisting me no longer need to call, no further need for the district nurses to call in nor for the Doctor to visit.

When I go out I am still constantly checking my phone for a missed call or a voicemail to tell me to come home, I still watch the time so as I am not out too long as I need to be back as the carer will be leaving and I still get up from my seat at certain times to get Dad’s medication or to put the music on for Mom. It’s all just too much and it’s all happened too close together. That’s life, this is what happens, none of us escape these losses. I sob and sob and sob, I let it out, I scream for my Mom, I talk to my Dad, I feel them near, I am comfortable at home, I’m close to them here. This is the one occasion in life that no one can make better, no one can make this right again. I just don’t know who I am anymore my identity has been stripped away.

It’s early days of course, just six weeks for Mom and just over five months for Dad. I get through each day, I have amazing friends, fabulous cousins, a wonderful man and lots of fantastic online connections all of whom are rooting for me, supporting me and helping me through. I’m blessed. I get strength from my faith.

Treated myself to scone and cappuccino when I went to arrange Mom’s flowers.

I’ve made a small altar next to the two chairs Mom and Dad always sat in. For now I have Mom’s Mass cards there but I will take them down when I feel ready.

After Mom’s funeral I stayed at my chap’s home for the weekend and helped him with his Mom. He’s a great cook, above are freshly made poppadum’s and onion bhaji’s. My current diet consists of mostly Prosecco and chocolate…not good I know but that’s just how it is for now.

A Vanilla Espresso Martini – one of many drinks I have raised in celebration of my parents and yes that includes Mom’s favourite, the cup of tea.

Thank you for bearing with my blackness, I just don’t have any sparkle at the moment.

Life Sparkles

Devastated.

June 19, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.2 Comments

According to the online dictionary I have just used, the word “Devastated” means “to cause (someone) severe and overwhelming shock or grief”. I have to say, that sounds about right.

Unbelievably I am back into a surreal nightmare. Just four months after losing Dad, my beautiful fairy of a Mom passed away suddenly and peacefully during the late afternoon of Saturday 8th June. How can this be happening? How can I have lost them both within such a short space of time? Suddenly I am plunged into this unreal world of pain, loss and nothing to do. Yes, I’m busy once again arranging a funeral, sorting out administration and trying to adapt to a house of just me. But I was a full time carer. My day wasn’t my own, I was on the go all the time and now…I’m sitting wondering what to do. It feels like someone has driven a bulldozer right through my life, everything is destroyed, everything has gone, what am I supposed to do now?

Mom was healthy, the doctor had checked her out and all observations were normal. Mom had been telling me for a week or so beforehand that she was going to God. Not a day went by that she didn’t tell me this and she sounded excited about it. One night she told me that Dad was in the room. Another when I was struggling with her bedclothes she told me to shhhh as Jesus was there. Another night she called me at 3:15 am to tell me she was going to God. For days beforehand she was completely lucid, absolutely no confusion at all. On the Saturday she went to God, I had decided to put Mass from Knock Shrine on the TV as we hadn’t had it on much since Dad passed. I answered the prayers, Mom rubbed my hand. I started to answer the Rosary as they said it at Knock. Half way through the TV turned itself off. At the same time, Mom’s breathing changed and within ten minutes, no matter how much I cried or begged her to stay, she went to God and she went to God with a huge beautiful smile on her face. Whatever or whoever she had seen my wonderful Mom was happy.

I’m not really in the mood for anything much but as I have time on my hands and writing my blog helps me, I’m sitting here typing away because I need something to do, I need to write, I need to cry and I want to scream.

Mama and Dad on holiday in Galway a lifetime ago, now reunited in heaven.

The house is full of beautiful flowers at the moment.

The house is also silent apart from the sound of my tears. Death is so final, you are helpless to prevent it when the time comes. As my Mom would say, you can’t alter God’s Plan.

Life Sparkles

Carer Life.

May 27, 2019May 23, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.Leave a comment

It is a beautiful day today, it has been really good weather for the past few days but today is the best so far. Blue sky, sunshine and it is 20 degrees outside which is a big change from having to drag the Winter coat out just over a week ago.

As a carer you don’t get to go outside much. Today I was planning to go to the local village; I had some chores to do, a bit of shopping, walk in the sunshine a little and then come home and have a shower. Very simple everyday things you would think but not to a carer. The caregiver who was due to be here today to help with Mom’s personal care and sit with Mom so that I could go out is off sick. In total I have three caregivers who are here over the course of a week on a rota basis. Today all three are unavailable. Apart from the one who is unwell today, one is on compassionate leave and the other has a day off as she has hospital appointments. You would never believe that all three would be unavailable on the same day but life happens. Thankfully a senior lady from the caregiver office came out this morning to assist me and she will come this evening also.

Tomorrow I had planned to pop out for lunch as a long time family friend is due to visit me. It’s possible I won’t have any caregivers again so no lunch out for me. It cannot be helped and although I’m disappointed you learn over time to just deal with things as they come along.

People just would not believe that it’s not possible for me to go and have a shower and wash my hair because I cannot leave Mom unattended, I need to have someone to sit with her. This is something that Dad used to do, sit and chat with Mom. They would hold hands, sing and laugh together. It really is the day to day little things that I miss so much. I keep expecting Dad to walk into the room or to hear him call me.

Last week I was lucky, after three months of planning I did manage to get out for a quick lunch with one of my best friends and I honestly felt like I had been on holiday. Another of my friends came to visit me and we sat in the garden for an hour, had a glass of wine and put the worlds to right and once again it felt like I had a holiday.

I’m not Vegan but I do enjoy the all day Vegan Breakfast at Renato Lounge.

A quick hairdo a couple of weeks ago and my favourite, skinny cappuccino.

Beautiful sparkling Roses I bought for Mom.

I still haven’t got used to the fact that I am the only one in the house that will eat these kind of goodies so I must stop random buying when I do get to the shops. Yes they were delicious and yes I’m trying to be good, again.

In other news, Home Free have announced another World Tour and yes, they are coming to Birmingham and yes I have my tickets. How I would love to meet these guys, talk singing and have the whole photo taken kind of thing but as a carer the VIP ticket price is well out of my price range. One day maybe I’ll get to meet them.

With love and sparkles xx

Life Sparkles

So Far.

May 20, 2019May 8, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.7 Comments

So far I have managed to put one foot in front of the other everyday and keep going. Some days have been easier than others and some days I just haven’t done anything, because I just haven’t been able to. I have become very conscious of looking after myself because I am all my Mom has. I didn’t really think too much about self care before, Dad was here, he always knew what to do, who to contact and make the decisions. Now Dad isn’t here, it’s all down to me and once you start thinking about that, it’s scary.

So far I have managed to get Dad’s memorial cards designed, printed and I have sent the majority of them out. I have had a meeting at the hospital about the disgraceful lack of care my Dad received (I will blog about this separately). The meeting really took it out of me, I was physically and emotionally drained, but it had to be done.

So far I have gone back to my music slowly. I never feel like singing or picking up the guitar but once I do, I feel so much better. Because I concentrate so much on what I am doing it releases stress and pressure for a little while and that feels good.

So far I thought I was doing well, coming to terms with things, not crying too much and then all of a sudden on Sunday night I had a huge outpouring of tears which came on suddenly and without warning. Thankfully my man was here visiting and I could leave the room so that Mom didn’t witness these tears.

So far I haven’t done anything about the website I was putting together for my music. I have made a slow start to this. With the website building taking place I will be downgrading my blogging plan here on WordPress. I will still be blogging, I enjoy it and it helps me plus the wonderful fellow bloggers I have met on here which I certainly wouldn’t want to lose. From July when I have the blogger plan I think any videos I have to share with you will have to be on the website.

And so far finally I haven’t really been up to that much. At the moment I like it this way. I don’t want to have a full diary, or things planned ahead, I’m just not in that mindset yet. I want to take things slowly, to spend as much time as possible with my Mom, to plan my music and try to plan for the future. As we know, the future doesn’t always go to plan.

A few photo’s of life over the past couple of weeks.

With love and sparkles xxx

Tears totally out of the blue and when you least expect it.

Some delicious Irish Soda bread my cousin gave to me on her recent visit.

Prayer is what works for me, it keeps me calmer, it soothes me and it makes me feel closer to my Dad, my Sister and all those who have gone before me.

And a little Snapchat to make me smile, take away the black circles and remove wrinkles 🙂

Life Sparkles

Pampered.

April 29, 2019April 22, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.Leave a comment

Back at the end of March was Mother’s Day here in the UK. The hair salon I visit is also an Aveda Spa and they had put together various packages for sons and daughters to purchase for their Mothers as a treat. Now I know I am not a Mom in the true sense of the word but I am Mom at home to my own Mom and I was for my Dad too. The salon were only too happy for me to come along and have a bit of “me time” and have a treat.

I was still stressed leaving the house even though one of my most trusted carers was with Mom. I knew Mom was safe and sound, looked after and I was ten minutes away but I still worry. However, somehow, I actually did relax and for the first time in years I did cut off from the real world for at least ten minutes and just totally relaxed and listened to the sounds of the waves on the seashore that was gently playing in the background.

My pamper session consisted of a mini facial, a rejuvenating eye treatment, a hand and arm massage and a wash and blow dry complete with a head and shoulder massage and a glass of Prosecco and chocolates. It all felt amazing and I was so glad I left the house and treated myself.

With love and sparkles xxx

Life Sparkles

Easter Blessings.

April 22, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.Leave a comment

I know, I’m a day late which is pretty good going for me really. It is still officially Easter as it is Easter Monday. I hope you have all enjoyed a wonderful long weekend, for a change here in the UK the weather has been amazing; blue sky, sunshine and warm temperatures.

Easter was another in my “year of firsts”, Easter without Dad. The build up to Easter I found very emotional, it actually felt as bad as it did when Dad first passed but with more realisation of what had happened. However, I watched the online services from Knock Shrine, I kept in touch with people via social media and I looked after my fairy of a Mom, my number one priority.

A few picture below of things that have kept me going the last few days.

A hanging basket of Viola’s I thought I had well and truly killed off last year bloomed beautifully. The Robin Tree, Flame Tree and Willow Tree are all coming on this Spring. I’m doing my best to keep Mom and Dad’s garden in good shape.

My own little growing project is coming on. Our porch is like Spain when the sunshine and heat come through during the day. I’m thrilled to see something I planted grow.

Look, it had to be done, Snapchat filters are amazingly kind to me!!

Happy Easter.

With love and sparkles xx

Life Sparkles · The Music Sparkle.

Back to the music and other happenings.

April 17, 2019March 30, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.Leave a comment

I wasn’t at all sure about the return to the music just yet. I wanted to and I didn’t want to, if that makes any kind of sense. Was my heart truly in it? Would it feel the same? I’m glad I gave it a chance. The singing released a lot of built up stress, pressure. It just came out as I sang. I was careful what I sang though, it’ll be a while before I can sing certain songs. It did me good to sing.

I wasn’t as rusty as I thought I would be upon my return to the guitar lessons. This was a different release to the singing. My mind had to concentrate so much on what I was doing I relaxed for forty-five minutes and gave my attention to guitar chords. I’ve made a list of the songs I was getting good at plus the ones I wasn’t very good at, at all. This is my list of songs to practice until perfect with a view to an acoustic recording session and hang on, dare I even think this…gigging. I just need to find some time to practice!

One from last Summer, it feels so good to be able to play a song on the guitar.

The list!!!

It was Mom’s birthday recently. I think she knew it was a special day and she did enjoy opening lots of beautiful cards. She received some absolutely gorgeous flowers. We made it through another first without Dad although I have the feeling he was most definitely here.

Himself has got into the habit of cooking something for me. He knows that if he goes to the trouble of cooking something I will eat it. I’m very lucky in how he looks after me when he can get over here and that he is a good cook.

Quorn Pasta Bake and it was delicious.

Himself.

I started to do a bit of cooking myself too, for Mom. I was very pleased with myself that I made her a quite acceptable leek and potato soup, go me! I’m going to try her with smoothies next.

A little gardening project for myself for the Spring and Summer, you see I am endeavouring to keep myself busy and do some things for me whilst the carers are here to help me with Mom.

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As we have had some fairly nice weather I have started to go for a walk around the block when the carers first arrive as Mom is usually still asleep so I can get about an hour to do something for me. Usually it is taken up with administration but it does feel good to get out in the fresh air.