No words.

Yes, I have no words.  I feel the need to write about how I’m feeling yet I cannot seem to find the words.  How do you describe “this”?  I have no idea how to convey the feelings of loss.  Loss of my Dad, loss of my Mom and a loss of me.  I don’t know who I am anymore. I was a full time carer.  I was on the go all the time and I do mean, all the time.  Sleep was a premium item, you just keep going because you have to.  Now I have all the time in the world to sleep and can’t.  When I do wake up in the morning a feeling of complete emptiness consumes me.  What do I do?  There isn’t anything to do.  No-one to look after, no meals to prepare, no washing to do, no phone calls to health professionals, appointments to keep, prescriptions to renew, nothing, absolutely nothing.

The carer’s who were assisting me no longer need to call, no further need for the district nurses to call in nor for the Doctor to visit.

When I go out I am still constantly checking my phone for a missed call or a voicemail to tell me to come home, I still watch the time so as I am not out too long as I need to be back as the carer will be leaving and I still get up from my seat at certain times to get Dad’s medication or to put the music on for Mom.  It’s all just too much and it’s all happened too close together.  That’s life, this is what happens, none of us escape these losses.  I sob and sob and sob, I let it out, I scream for my Mom, I talk to my Dad, I feel them near, I am comfortable at home, I’m close to them here.  This is the one occasion in life that no one can make better, no one can make this right again.  I just don’t know who I am anymore my identity has been stripped away.

It’s early days of course, just six weeks for Mom and just over five months for Dad.  I get through each day, I have amazing friends, fabulous cousins, a wonderful man and lots of fantastic online connections all of whom are rooting for me, supporting me and helping me through.  I’m blessed.  I get strength from my faith.

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Treated myself to scone and cappuccino when I went to arrange Mom’s flowers.

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I’ve made a small altar next to the two chairs Mom and Dad always sat in.  For now I have Mom’s Mass cards there but I will take them down when I feel ready.

 

After Mom’s funeral I stayed at my chap’s home for the weekend and helped him with his Mom.  He’s a great cook, above are freshly made poppadum’s and onion bhaji’s. My current diet consists of mostly Prosecco and chocolate…not good I know but that’s just how it is for now.

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A Vanilla Espresso Martini – one of many drinks I have raised in celebration of my parents and yes that includes Mom’s favourite, the cup of tea.

Thank you for bearing with my blackness, I just don’t have any sparkle at the moment.

Devastated.

According to the online dictionary I have just used, the word “Devastated” means “to cause (someone) severe and overwhelming shock or grief”.  I have to say, that sounds about right.

Unbelievably I am back into a surreal nightmare.  Just four months after losing Dad, my beautiful fairy of a Mom passed away suddenly and peacefully during the late afternoon of Saturday 8th June.  How can this be happening?  How can I have lost them both within such a short space of time?  Suddenly I am plunged into this unreal world of pain, loss and nothing to do.  Yes, I’m busy once again arranging a funeral, sorting out administration and trying to adapt to a house of just me.  But I was a full time carer.  My day wasn’t my own, I was on the go all the time and now…I’m sitting wondering what to do.  It feels like someone has driven a bulldozer right through my life, everything is destroyed, everything has gone, what am I supposed to do now?

Mom was healthy, the doctor had checked her out and all observations were normal. Mom had been telling me for a week or so beforehand that she was going to God.  Not a day went by that she didn’t tell me this and she sounded excited about it.  One night she told me that Dad was in the room.  Another when I was struggling with her bedclothes she told me to shhhh as Jesus was there.  Another night she called me at 3:15 am to tell me she was going to God.  For days beforehand she was completely lucid, absolutely no confusion at all.  On the Saturday she went to God, I had decided to put Mass from Knock Shrine on the TV as we hadn’t had it on much since Dad passed.  I answered the prayers, Mom rubbed my hand.  I started to answer the Rosary as they said it at Knock.  Half way through the TV turned itself off.  At the same time, Mom’s breathing changed and within ten minutes, no matter how much I cried or begged her to stay, she went to God and she went to God with a huge beautiful smile on her face.  Whatever or whoever she had seen my wonderful Mom was happy.

I’m not really in the mood for anything much but as I have time on my hands and writing my blog helps me, I’m sitting here typing away because I need something to do, I need to write, I need to cry and I want to scream.

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Mama and Dad on holiday in Galway a lifetime ago, now reunited in heaven.

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The house is full of beautiful flowers at the moment.

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The house is also silent apart from the sound of my tears.  Death is so final, you are helpless to prevent it when the time comes.  As my Mom would say, you can’t alter God’s Plan.