Yes, I have no words. I feel the need to write about how I’m feeling yet I cannot seem to find the words. How do you describe “this”? I have no idea how to convey the feelings of loss. Loss of my Dad, loss of my Mom and a loss of me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I was a full time carer. I was on the go all the time and I do mean, all the time. Sleep was a premium item, you just keep going because you have to. Now I have all the time in the world to sleep and can’t. When I do wake up in the morning a feeling of complete emptiness consumes me. What do I do? There isn’t anything to do. No-one to look after, no meals to prepare, no washing to do, no phone calls to health professionals, appointments to keep, prescriptions to renew, nothing, absolutely nothing.
The carer’s who were assisting me no longer need to call, no further need for the district nurses to call in nor for the Doctor to visit.
When I go out I am still constantly checking my phone for a missed call or a voicemail to tell me to come home, I still watch the time so as I am not out too long as I need to be back as the carer will be leaving and I still get up from my seat at certain times to get Dad’s medication or to put the music on for Mom. It’s all just too much and it’s all happened too close together. That’s life, this is what happens, none of us escape these losses. I sob and sob and sob, I let it out, I scream for my Mom, I talk to my Dad, I feel them near, I am comfortable at home, I’m close to them here. This is the one occasion in life that no one can make better, no one can make this right again. I just don’t know who I am anymore my identity has been stripped away.
It’s early days of course, just six weeks for Mom and just over five months for Dad. I get through each day, I have amazing friends, fabulous cousins, a wonderful man and lots of fantastic online connections all of whom are rooting for me, supporting me and helping me through. I’m blessed. I get strength from my faith.
Treated myself to scone and cappuccino when I went to arrange Mom’s flowers.
I’ve made a small altar next to the two chairs Mom and Dad always sat in. For now I have Mom’s Mass cards there but I will take them down when I feel ready.
After Mom’s funeral I stayed at my chap’s home for the weekend and helped him with his Mom. He’s a great cook, above are freshly made poppadum’s and onion bhaji’s. My current diet consists of mostly Prosecco and chocolate…not good I know but that’s just how it is for now.
A Vanilla Espresso Martini – one of many drinks I have raised in celebration of my parents and yes that includes Mom’s favourite, the cup of tea.
Thank you for bearing with my blackness, I just don’t have any sparkle at the moment.
8 thoughts on “No words.”
My lovely Dawn, loss is a consuming black hole, at times a tunnel with no light, where you sometimes think hey, this wee bit is okay but then something leaps out from the dark and bites you with the sting of memory. And this, for you, will be all the harder cos your days were utterly spoken for. So it’s not just that you’ve lost your mum and dad, it’s that you have also lost your way of life. And yep, people can say and people can do but the only one who can get through this stage is you. Be kind to yourself. Chocolate and prosciutto is fine. Keep your cards up. You WILL know when the time is right. Scream all you want and talk to your dad. This is a journey and all journeys take time. You are still there. Underneath all of this. You just think you’ve gone. But you will come back. In tiny little bits and pieces and little things you do, a bit like a slow tide creeping back in. And then..yeah…running off again. So just don’t look for yourself right now. Just know that self is waiting. xx
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Thank you so much for those words my lovely Shey, you have written exactly as I am feeling right now. Some days I feel almost “normal” for a while and then all of a sudden, wham, it hits me what has happened. I know they will want me to be happy, living life and following my dreams, taking care and doing the right thing. I feel them rooting for me from above. You are so right, I think I’m gone, but I am still there, the sparkle is hidden right now but it will return, in time, in bits and pieces. I just need to look after myself for a while and I’m just not used to doing that. Your words have really spoken to me, thank you xxx
My lovely Dawn, they are rooting for you and like that there will also be times when you feel guilty that just maybe you never thought of them for that second or you were having a nice time and doing your things. But that is what they would want for you. You have to be kind to yourself on so very many levels and yeah that is hard for many people. I think, a step at a time. Now you may take four forward and like that five back. Then another three back further as something goes WHAM. It doesn’t matter. The thing is to try and understand that because gradually, by degrees and inches, you will take four forward and maybe just the five back, and that is still progress towards the stage where it is one forward and none back because you have reached a different place. It’s just hiding at the moment…that self of yours. and sometimes it may even be looking at you in horror going…who is this doing all the crazy things grief has you doing?? This is a long process till other things take over again xxxxx
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Thank you again my lovely Shey for your comforting words. I can tell you have been there. Everything you have said is so true. I know they want me to go on and do things, look after myself, sing out etc. They were always so happy to see me doing my thing and worried so much when I gave up work to look after them. But it was the right thing to do and I have no regrets and it brings me peace that I did that for them, looked after them at home, kept them out of care homes. It’s strange the things that hit me and make me sob. I feel happy about something and then something random will have me crying. I know it’s all early days and still very raw, I know I have a long way to go. I don’t know myself at the moment, it’s weird. It’s even more weird not to be totally stressed out with worry about Mom and Dad. I know they are truly happy and restored to full health and probably wondering what the hell is the matter with me that I’m not just getting on with things. Thank you for being there, for your support and love. It means a lot to me xxxxxxxx
I am so sorry for the loss of your mom Sparkle and the pain you are feeling right now. I know how much you cared for her. I can only hope that your pain will soon be replaced with memories of happy times you shared with her and knowing that she loved you very much.
My deepest sympathies,
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Thank you so much Joan, it is so difficult for me to comprehend that I have lost them both within a four month period and that my carer role is over and now I need to find me again amidst all the pain, sorrow and confusion. I suppose we know that things change, but we just want to believe that we go on forever, that I would always be caring for them. Now I think they are watching over me from above, helping me through and guiding me. That’s what keeps me going. Thank you Joan xxx
Thinking of you, and I can only hope that writing about your unimaginable loss is helping you in some small way xxx
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Thank you for thinking of me, in a strange way it is helping to write about things even though I can’t quite find the words. It helps to get lost for an hour on the blog. Love to you xxx