Easter Blessings.

April 22, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.Leave a comment

I know, I’m a day late which is pretty good going for me really. It is still officially Easter as it is Easter Monday. I hope you have all enjoyed a wonderful long weekend, for a change here in the UK the weather has been amazing; blue sky, sunshine and warm temperatures.

Easter was another in my “year of firsts”, Easter without Dad. The build up to Easter I found very emotional, it actually felt as bad as it did when Dad first passed but with more realisation of what had happened. However, I watched the online services from Knock Shrine, I kept in touch with people via social media and I looked after my fairy of a Mom, my number one priority.

A few picture below of things that have kept me going the last few days.

A hanging basket of Viola’s I thought I had well and truly killed off last year bloomed beautifully. The Robin Tree, Flame Tree and Willow Tree are all coming on this Spring. I’m doing my best to keep Mom and Dad’s garden in good shape.

My own little growing project is coming on. Our porch is like Spain when the sunshine and heat come through during the day. I’m thrilled to see something I planted grow.

Look, it had to be done, Snapchat filters are amazingly kind to me!!

Happy Easter.

With love and sparkles xx

Back to the music and other happenings.

April 17, 2019March 30, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.Leave a comment

I wasn’t at all sure about the return to the music just yet. I wanted to and I didn’t want to, if that makes any kind of sense. Was my heart truly in it? Would it feel the same? I’m glad I gave it a chance. The singing released a lot of built up stress, pressure. It just came out as I sang. I was careful what I sang though, it’ll be a while before I can sing certain songs. It did me good to sing.

I wasn’t as rusty as I thought I would be upon my return to the guitar lessons. This was a different release to the singing. My mind had to concentrate so much on what I was doing I relaxed for forty-five minutes and gave my attention to guitar chords. I’ve made a list of the songs I was getting good at plus the ones I wasn’t very good at, at all. This is my list of songs to practice until perfect with a view to an acoustic recording session and hang on, dare I even think this…gigging. I just need to find some time to practice!

One from last Summer, it feels so good to be able to play a song on the guitar.

The list!!!

It was Mom’s birthday recently. I think she knew it was a special day and she did enjoy opening lots of beautiful cards. She received some absolutely gorgeous flowers. We made it through another first without Dad although I have the feeling he was most definitely here.

Himself has got into the habit of cooking something for me. He knows that if he goes to the trouble of cooking something I will eat it. I’m very lucky in how he looks after me when he can get over here and that he is a good cook.

Quorn Pasta Bake and it was delicious.

Himself.

I started to do a bit of cooking myself too, for Mom. I was very pleased with myself that I made her a quite acceptable leek and potato soup, go me! I’m going to try her with smoothies next.

A little gardening project for myself for the Spring and Summer, you see I am endeavouring to keep myself busy and do some things for me whilst the carers are here to help me with Mom.

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As we have had some fairly nice weather I have started to go for a walk around the block when the carers first arrive as Mom is usually still asleep so I can get about an hour to do something for me. Usually it is taken up with administration but it does feel good to get out in the fresh air.

Spring blossoms out far too early yet still so beautiful.

And finally for this particular blog post, mixed emotions and note to self.

Pictures are my own and these last two quotes are via Pinterest.

With love and sparkles xx

Life Sparkles

Automatic Pilot.

April 12, 2019March 30, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.4 Comments

Well the weeks continue to roll by and I keep trying to make sense of things, adjust to this “new normal”. I still feel as if I have brain fog which is almost protecting me from the reality of losing my Dad although I feel reality is coming home a little more every day. Automatic pilot is wearing off, the tears fall and time is just flying by. I cannot believe we are into mid April already although I’m still a little behind on my blog posts.

I thought I’d do a “this is what I have been doing” blog post so that you can see I really am trying to deal with things, look after Mom and try to return to some sense of normal.

Another “first” without Dad, we raised a glass to him and I hope there was one huge hooley going on in heaven.

After telling me to start eating healthy and look after myself, himself rocks up with these little temptations.

Aforementioned drinks for raising a glass or two!!

Not traditional Irish fare for us for St Patricks Day – we had Indian instead.

Signs of Spring.

A “me time” cappuccino during a long overdue trip to the hair salon.

It’s the little things that matter the most.

Until next time, with love and sparkles xx

Life Sparkles

The First Night Out.

March 31, 2019March 30, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.2 Comments

Many people have mentioned to me that this year will now be a year of firsts. The first time I do something without Dad, the first time we have birthdays etc without Dad. I have experienced a year of firsts before, in 2006 when my sister passed away suddenly. It felt very different to how I feel now and of course back then, I had Mom and Dad to help me through it, we were there for each other. This is different because Mom is happy in her own world and can’t support me and Dad is supporting me from his new home. Yes it is all very different.

I had mixed feelings when my country music friends were messaging me about going to see John McNicholl when he played Birmingham three weeks ago. I wasn’t sure I was up to it. I know Dad would have been the first one to say “Go, go out and enjoy yourself”. It was the emotional side of things that was affecting me. Seeing that group of friends for the first time, crying, hugging, singing, dancing. Was it all going to be too much too soon?

Once again my amazing man was there to help me by coming over to visit that evening and sit with Mom. If I decided to just go to the dance I knew Mom was safe and sound. I decided to go. John had telephoned me about Dad and messaged me and I wanted to support him plus I felt it was better to get this particular first out-of-the-way.

I felt incredibly alone and vulnerable getting ready to go. I felt physically sick leaving the house and I felt weak, barely able to walk when I arrived at the venue. I never felt so alone as I did when I walked into the club. John was already on stage, people were dancing and I felt lost. One of my friends appeared at my side, gave me a huge cuddle, a glass of wine and took me over to the table where everyone was. One by one we hugged, had a tear and held hands. The sense of support was wonderful. A family friend who has known my parents forever was there to support me too. When I cried he took me out waltzing on the dance floor and he tried so hard to make me laugh. John as always was so supportive and lovely although I didn’t get to speak to him for long. As usual I had arranged my taxi far too early.

One of the main things I missed was Dad worrying about me. Whenever I went out alone to meet my friends at a dance he always worried about me travelling alone. I missed that conversation so much.

Was I glad I went out? Hmmm I’m still unsure how to answer that one. It was lovely to see me friends, to see John and the lads and there was such a big turnout for a Sunday night I was very pleased for John. I didn’t get my usual sense of excitement, I wasn’t my usual diva on the dance floor but how could I be, it was my first night out.

Well it’s not a proper night out without a Snapchat filter!

A little blurred but a lovely reminder of the support I received from a great friend of my parents.

John and the lads rocking St Anne’s with a Neil Diamond Medley.

Life Sparkles

Lost.

March 6, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.8 Comments

I don’t know what other word to use, I’m absolutely and totally lost. So much has happened since my last couple of blog posts. I had meant to continue with my story of Mom’s broken wrist which resulted in her becoming immobile which then resulted in a ten-day hospital stay due to severe dehydration, chest infection and low levels of various vitamins we need in our body. Mom is currently on a hospital bed in our lounge. She is happy, she is much healthier and she can walk; as in she has the strength and ability to walk, it’s just down to fear/confidence and of course the state of confusion from her cognitive degeneration on the day which dictates if she will walk or not.

But I didn’t get to blog in-depth about these things, to write it down, to let it out because other events took over. Dad was not well. He had various medical issues for years which were all being managed by the Doctor and his medication. However the end of last year he was getting weaker, feeling dizzy and his blood pressure was becoming very low.

Dad’s 92 birthday was on 19th January and the following week he became very ill indeed. We had an emergency admission to hospital on the Thursday evening after the Doctor had been to see us twice at home due to Dad’s increasing weakness. On the Saturday afternoon Dad took a turn for the worse and the Doctor said he was very sorry but Dad didn’t have long left, his body was shutting down. What happens to our brains when we hear these words? I was still standing up? I was crying but I was still breathing and I immediately went into protection mode for my Dad. I stayed with him, I held him, I cuddled him, I talked to him, I told him I loved him and thanked him for being the most amazing Dad. I told him I would always look after Mom. I held his hand, I told him to go fly with the angels and he did in the early hours of Sunday morning.

The feeling of what I can only call energy around his bed was incredible, it steadily grew all afternoon, into the evening and onwards until he crossed over. Half of my worst nightmare had happened, I had lost my Dad. Yet I felt some peace as I was with him and he had been at peace and no pain. Two of my cousins were with me as was my best friend and they took over to look after me. My boyfriend was home looking after Mom. Mom knew we were at hospital but not how bad things were.

Somehow, with the help of my cousins I did all the formalities and arranged a funeral. I’m sure I had guidance from above as I just seemed to know what hymns to choose, what clothes Dad would have wanted to wear, the appropriate readings etc. We had the funeral on 14th February, Valentines Day and it was a day full of perfect love. It was even warm and sunny.

Mom doesn’t yet know what has happened, under medical advice for now not to tell her as it could have a detrimental effect on her health. I am however convinced by middle of the night talks she is having with “someone” and the words that are being spoken, that she knows somewhere deep inside what has happened.

The loneliness is indescribable; Dad and I were always chatting about something or other. Once the carer leaves mid afternoon that’s it for me and Mom until the following day. Sometimes Mom is chatty, sometimes we put our music on and sometimes Mom is sleepy and I sit there, thinking, reading, online, catching up on messages but my heart isn’t in anything much apart from looking after Mom.

My man has been so supportive, he was over here every night for a month, cooking in advance to make sure I eat and generally looking after me so I can look after Mom. We got this down to three nights a week and this week we are down to two nights a week. It is a fifty mile round trip for him and he has his own Mom to look after plus he works from home. He was getting so tired out and I know, I have to learn to live with this horrible new normal. My friends and cousins too have been so supportive with their calls and messages and my online friends too have been great. It’s one of those times isn’t it when no-one knows exactly what to say.

I wasn’t sure whether to blog about this, writing has helped me in the past and I can’t let my tears out unless there is someone to sit with Mom and I can escape so perhaps this blog post will be a little therapeutic for me.

I feel like a lost little girl who is having to be very grown up and responsible and look after things the grown up’s always looked after. People tell me how strong I am. I don’t feel strong, I feel I’m a mess yet we keep going. Our world has fallen apart never to be the same again yet the world keeps on turning.

I’m rambling, more so than usual. I had so many happy things to blog about; my music, going to see Home Free but I never got around to those posts. We started to put a website together for my music and that too has been left.

It has helped in a scrambled kind of way to offload on my blog. I was wondering if I would bother to blog again. Then I thought of a favourite blogger Often Called Cathy who always manages to find something positive no matter how bad things are and it made me think. I was truly blessed to have Dad as my Dad, I was also blessed to have him for so long in my life and it was a complete privilege to be able to care for him over the past years and to be with him as he crossed to the next life.

I made Dad three promises in January; that I would always look after Mom, that I wouldn’t lose my sparkle and that I wouldn’t give up on my music. The first is easy right now, I’ll work on the other two.

Roses Mom and I sent to Dad for his birthday.

The Snowdrops are out.

The love goes on.

I had a walk around the block yesterday, get some fresh air, the daffodils are in abundance.

Every day x

Life Sparkles

Is it too late…

January 10, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.2 Comments

…to wish you all a very happy 2019!

For the first time ever Christmas appears to have fitted in around our life at home whereas it usually becomes the main focus of December for us. This Christmas though things were very different at home. Christmas seems to have come and gone with little or no recognition at all. We watched Midnight Mass from Knock Shrine live on You Tube. We had some visitors popping in and out and I did manage to get Christmas cards written and sent and gifts organised. Thank goodness for the Internet!

A beautiful surprise on Christmas Day in the evening when some neighbours arrived at the door with home made soup, Christmas dinner, dessert, cheese and biscuits and Christmas crackers. They knew I would struggle to put together a Christmas dinner as the caring role continues as usual whatever day it is, so they decided to share. To me, this was the true meaning of Christmas, love, caring, sharing and kindness.

A few photo’s below of my Christmas time. I wish you all a very happy, healthy and blessed 2019. (I will continue my update from the last blog post as soon as I can).

I just love this photo, my sparkles and my boyfriend’s trainers.

A beautiful surprise gift from a school friend.

I couldn’t put up our usual tree so I bought a small sparkling one for Mom and Dad. It was lovely to sit and watch the colours changing.

Life Sparkles

Has it been that long?

September 17, 2018September 16, 2018 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.4 Comments

Well yes it appears it has been a month since I managed to get to my blog. Mid September already, the long hot beautiful Summer is already becoming a memory as we drift into the cooler days and shorter evenings of Autumn.

It has been busy, as usual. Caring really is a full time, 24/7, no days off, no night off, profession so I take my breaks when I can. As you know the past five months Dad has experienced illness after illness after illness. It has been so tough on him, on Mom and on me. Dad has gone from being able to do quite a few things for himself and his chosen jobs around the house to not being able to do very much at all, so it has fallen to me.

We’ve had a great run again of getting to bed at night, 42 nights in a row broken only the other night when Mom decided to stay up. So we start counting again. 42 nights is amazing, it has been years and years since we have had any good run of getting to bed and we’ve had two good runs so far this year. I’m aware that Sundown season is approaching but fingers crossed.

Over the past two weeks Dad has slowly, and I mean slowly, started to show signs of improvement. He has managed to eat small amounts regularly which in turn has assisted with keeping that dreadful gunk he was coughing up all night and day, at bay. He still has the cough and the gunk but it is vastly reduced. He is managing to get some sleep at night, another benefit. He is feeling a bit better in himself, he is chatting more, watching the news again and has even reached for his diary and prayer books. These are all good signs of Dad feeling a little better in himself.

Mom bless her has been so supportive of him, caring for him, advising him and trying to help him in her own way. Sometimes she has been very frightened when the cough and gunk has been in full flow. Somehow we have managed to come through the past five months. I thank God every night for giving us another blessed day together as a family.

In the meantime, I have lots to share on the music front, some of which you may have seen on my social media which I have stepped up a gear. I will update the music blog as soon as I can. I have been reading your blogs as they come through on my email, when you are up at night and you need to stay awake they make excellent reading and I love them, they make me feel connected, thank you.

A few photo’s from the past month or so, with love and sparkles xxx

A random lunch with one of my friends and yes I had that dessert again but we did share. Love my cup of coffee in the mornings.

Delighted that my Shamrock has started to grow again after the heavy snow and frost had killed it off earlier this year. My little tubs and baskets didn’t do too badly either this Summer.

And Snapchap still makes me giggle and does away with the wrinkles…Go Snapchat!!!

Life Sparkles

How long has it been?!!

August 15, 2018 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.7 Comments

Mid August already!! How is this possible? I have come to the conclusion that the reason I am on the go all the time and still don’t get everything done is because time is just moving too quickly these days…or am I just getting old?

I have a “to do” list a mile long but I have missed writing my blog so I’ve made myself a cup of coffee and decided to do a quick catch up post. Thankfully I receive emails updates from my favourite blogs so I have kept more or less up to date with your lovely blog posts and of course I have my comments to make…that’s on the “to do” list.

Well since I last wrote poor Dad has been unwell again bless him. We had that slight improvement and then things went downhill. Once again the throat played up and we have a vicious circle going on. Dad has no appetite as he has no taste on the food and his throat is sore. Because he is not eating so well he is weak, frail and has a mixture of reflux and other acid forcing it’s way up in the most awful coughing I have ever heard.

Another attack of Thrush or so we thought but after a week of treatment the white patches were still there. The Dr tried another medication which has helped clear up the patches, reduce the soreness and in turn Dad has persevered to eat more substantial food which in turn has meant that the acid is reducing, the cough is reducing and he is getting some sleep at night. I feel for him, this bout of illness, one thing after another, has been going on since just before Easter. He is wore out.

In my last update I was celebrating a run of 33 days of going to bed, Oh I spoke too soon. July ran at two nights a week no bed and also into the start of August, we are having a good week this week…shhhh. Mom is such a little darling though, she has been amazing looking after Dad in her way. All that nursing knowledge is still there. So beautiful to watch them sitting hand in hand watching the TV and singing along with You Tube. One night when I was tucking her into bed she thanked me for caring. I said “Mom you don’t have to thank me at all” and her reply was that it isn’t everyone that would give up their life to look after two old spirits. I could have just wept there and then. I don’t feel I have given up my life. Undoubtedly my life has completely changed but I have to say that I have an inner happiness and peace now that I didn’t have whilst on the corporate daily slog although I enjoyed that. Such importance is placed on meetings, deadlines, payment times, performance reviews etc in that world but to me, in the grand scheme of things, those things don’t really matter to life. I don’t miss the stress and anxiety of the corporate world.

In the midst of all of this, it was my birthday and we actually had a lovely weekend. My chap was over for the weekend, I was so lucky to receive so many cards and some beautiful gifts. Himself even bought me flowers which he never does and oh yes, I asked him what he had done!! I have a few photo’s to share with you below. There is much happening with the singing at the moment which I will write in another post. I’m hoping that this is just the busy period, setting everything up and once it’s done, it’s done and I can get back to just singing when I can.

With love and sparkles until the next time xxx

A simple thing but I really love the Twitters birthday balloons!

My chap and I actually got out for a birthday meal together and this was my dessert and I enjoyed every single mouthful. Meringue, Strawberries, Chantilly Cream, Pistachio’s, absolutely delicious and it was like a holiday. The carer sat with M & D and I had a whole three hours out.

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My beautiful flowers from himself.

The snapchat fun photo – is anyone else missing the heatwave? I loved the hot weather especially for getting the washing dry…we have loads of washing in this house!!

Life Sparkles

Dear diary…

July 3, 2018 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.10 Comments

…as usual it’s been a while since I have managed to update my blog. So much seems to be happening and for a change, most of it is good, WHOOP!

Thankfully Dad continues to improve. The Doctor was correct when he said it would be a slow process but I don’t care how slow it is as long as Dad is improving. We are still battling away with the cardiac water cough, lack of appetite and regaining strength. Sleep has much improved, Dad has started to eat proper food again and he looks much more like his usual self. Mom has just been the most amazing little fairy, the love shines through and her nursing returned to her. I have been so happily surprised at how she has been looking after Dad, it has been beautiful and emotional to watch.

Another plus point…oh I wish I had a fan fare here…we have managed a whole month of going to bed every single night. We haven’t done that for almost four years…FOUR YEARS!! I still have bags under my eyes but at least they aren’t Black anymore.

We are experiencing the most fantastic Summer weather we have had in years here in the UK. I love it. Apart from ensuring that “The Kids” are kept cool I am loving this sunshine. I’m not getting out in it much but just the fact is there is just wonderful. Long may it continue. This was a sunset from my bedroom window a couple of weeks ago. Such beautiful colours.

I’m doing my bit in these lovely long, bright, Summer evenings to try and keep the garden as Mom and Dad used to. You can see how scorched the earth is through the lack of rain. I’ve bought myself a watering can. I’ve done quite well with some small tubs of flowers and it’s actually quite therapeutic a little bit of gardening.

Last Friday one of my forever friends came over to see us and I had booked the carer to cover for me for a couple of hours so that we could escape to a local pub, sit outside and eat a late lunch/early dinner and enjoy a glass or two of Prosecco. After not being out for such a long time it felt like a holiday. It is so true that carer’s need a break!!

I have news to update you on the music front which I will do as soon as I can. There’s a lot of work involved now with the setting up, music aggregation, licences etc and finding time is difficult as I’m always on the go. But find time I will!

A little snapchat filter to close off for today…gosh if only I could get my make up like this!!

With love and sparkles until the next update, thank you for checking in with me xxx

Life Sparkles

Back in the day.

February 26, 2018February 24, 2018 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.5 Comments

Do you ever find that seeing the sunlight, shining through the window, perhaps just onto the wall or the furniture, can suddenly evoke a memory.

I was standing in the bathroom on a sunny, bright yet cold afternoon this week. I had the window open to let the fresh air in and I could see the blue sky, the trees swaying in the wind and in a split second I was transported back to Summer days in my teenage years. We were living in a different area of the city then, just two miles from the city centre and yet so quiet with tree lined streets, huge gardens and a view of the city skyline from the very top of the road which was on a hill. Those were the days that you could lie out in your back garden in the sunshine and have your radio on, without fear of upsetting your neighbours. In those days, BBC Radio One was at it’s best I think. From breakfast time to tea time the shows were fantastic, or so I remember them that way.

The mid morning show was hosted by Simon Bates and he had a feature called “Our Tune” where listeners would write in their story and a song that meant a lot to their story. The stories were happy, sad, heartbreaking or incredibly heartwarming and a more than once I found myself in tears.

Lunch time would be Gary Davies and “Gary’s little bit in the middle”, he had great jingles advertising his show and these have remained with me as sounds of Summer.

These days I listen to BBC Radio Two in the afternoon because the DJ who was on Radio One in the afternoon back in the day, Steve Wright, is now on Radio Two in the afternoon and he plays the music of the 80’s which I absolutely love. I sometimes put the radio on, just to have it playing in the background as I am passing through whilst carrying out the daily tasks and now and again a song will come on that just stops me in my tracks and I stand and listen for a few minutes and again I am transported.

A song I heard recently which took me back to those beautifully happy and carefree Summer days is “The Closest Thing to Heaven” by The Kane Gang. It’s not a song I hear often on the radio and I have downloaded it to my iPod. Every time I hear it, it immediately takes me back to what appeared to be the longest, hottest, Summer days ever.

I have mixed emotions, like most people I expect, when I go back to those days. My heart hurts. My parents were full of health and strength, my beautiful Sister was still here with us, I was happy, carefree and I wonder did I really value those days or take them for granted. I suspect the latter, I was a teenager after all and all was well in my world then. Although it brings happiness and sadness to think back to those days when a song plays, or the sun shines through the window in a particular way, or you hear the wind rustle on the trees and the memories flood back, I feel blessed now that I was so lucky to live those days in the way I did.

I also dressed like Madonna…thank God there was no mobile phones or social media back then!!