No words.

Yes, I have no words.  I feel the need to write about how I’m feeling yet I cannot seem to find the words.  How do you describe “this”?  I have no idea how to convey the feelings of loss.  Loss of my Dad, loss of my Mom and a loss of me.  I don’t know who I am anymore. I was a full time carer.  I was on the go all the time and I do mean, all the time.  Sleep was a premium item, you just keep going because you have to.  Now I have all the time in the world to sleep and can’t.  When I do wake up in the morning a feeling of complete emptiness consumes me.  What do I do?  There isn’t anything to do.  No-one to look after, no meals to prepare, no washing to do, no phone calls to health professionals, appointments to keep, prescriptions to renew, nothing, absolutely nothing.

The carer’s who were assisting me no longer need to call, no further need for the district nurses to call in nor for the Doctor to visit.

When I go out I am still constantly checking my phone for a missed call or a voicemail to tell me to come home, I still watch the time so as I am not out too long as I need to be back as the carer will be leaving and I still get up from my seat at certain times to get Dad’s medication or to put the music on for Mom.  It’s all just too much and it’s all happened too close together.  That’s life, this is what happens, none of us escape these losses.  I sob and sob and sob, I let it out, I scream for my Mom, I talk to my Dad, I feel them near, I am comfortable at home, I’m close to them here.  This is the one occasion in life that no one can make better, no one can make this right again.  I just don’t know who I am anymore my identity has been stripped away.

It’s early days of course, just six weeks for Mom and just over five months for Dad.  I get through each day, I have amazing friends, fabulous cousins, a wonderful man and lots of fantastic online connections all of whom are rooting for me, supporting me and helping me through.  I’m blessed.  I get strength from my faith.

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Treated myself to scone and cappuccino when I went to arrange Mom’s flowers.

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I’ve made a small altar next to the two chairs Mom and Dad always sat in.  For now I have Mom’s Mass cards there but I will take them down when I feel ready.

 

After Mom’s funeral I stayed at my chap’s home for the weekend and helped him with his Mom.  He’s a great cook, above are freshly made poppadum’s and onion bhaji’s. My current diet consists of mostly Prosecco and chocolate…not good I know but that’s just how it is for now.

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A Vanilla Espresso Martini – one of many drinks I have raised in celebration of my parents and yes that includes Mom’s favourite, the cup of tea.

Thank you for bearing with my blackness, I just don’t have any sparkle at the moment.