The New Path.

August 28, 2020 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.5 Comments

I haven’t blogged for over twelve months. The words just wouldn’t come. I needed time away from everything to process my thoughts, my feelings and my heartbreak. I was a shell of myself. The Autumn and Winter arrived with the darker nights, the darker days and the constant downpours of rain. It matched how I felt. I hid away, I went through the motions of everyday living. I felt nothing but pain as Christmas and New Year arrived and left. I wasn’t on my own all the time, I had himself around and along with my cousins and friends, all ensured I was kept occupied.

Last October himself and I had a week away in Playa Blanca, Lanzarote. Our first holiday in over four years. It was another milestone for me to encounter. It was a lovely week away. A strange week away and coming home to the empty house was horrendous. I cried, I ached and I lived to face another day.

I had emergency bereavement counselling over a period of six months which helped enormously, it helped me to see things from a different perspective; how to deal with emotions, obstacles, practicalities and daily life in general. I spent a week in Costa Teguise, Lanzarote, in February, with my beautiful cousin in her home. It was a slow, peaceful, calm week and I felt alive for the first time in a very long time.

I attended two concerts, Nathan Carter and a few weeks later, Derek Ryan. The songs made me cry, the memories can cut you like a knife at times. Four days after the Derek Ryan concert we were in lockdown. The weather went from grey, cloudy and torrential rain to fabulously warm sunshine – in March!! The good weather has more or less lasted and lasted and we’ve had a couple of very hot heatwaves with a couple of random weeks of bad weather thrown in. We were allowed out once a day for exercise. I took up C25K and starting running again. Three of my cousins also started this programme and we would have a regular Houseparty call after our run and we all graduated and still go out for the walk/run.

I took up gardening!! I’m sure my parents must be looking down with surprise that their daughter is in the garden. I enjoyed it so much, I was out there every opportunity I had and it has done me the world of good. The garden had become so overgrown in four years, it was hard work and so satisfying.

I didn’t see himself for 21 weeks as he was shielding his Mom. We had video calls everyday, it’s not the same though is it? I have had so many video calls I’m quite the old hand at it now and it is so good to see people on screen. I met with my cousins and my friend in gardens, all socially distant. It was strange at first not to hug one another but we have got used to it. Just as we have adapted to wearing face masks when we go to the shops, hair salons and other indoor venues. What a strange year we have all had, who would ever have thought this could possibly happen to everywhere in our world. I found lockdown peaceful, healing and therapeutic. It did me good. I know we were blessed with the great weather which undoubtedly helped, yet apart from not seeing himself, my close friends and cousins, lockdown agreed with me.

With all of the above going on, one day I woke up and things had changed. Within me, things had changed within me. For the first time in a very, very long time, I felt positive. I was at peace with myself. I could feel parts of the pre carer me coming back and I could feel a new me appearing. Perhaps I am now in the “Acceptance” stage of grief? All I know is that things feel different, feel good and I can see a new path ahead.

I had reminders that my blog plan was expiring and eventually I logged in and found that I have received a lot of traffic to the blog over the past twelve months which both surprised and inspired me. Perhaps my story so far has helped people with a similar story who have visited the blog from around the world? Perhaps they were just interested in a particular blog story? No matter, you visited and I am extremely thankful that you did.

I have revamped the blog and my social media as a whole. As you know from my Instagram feed I am posting more. My YouTube channel is growing and I am singing again and posting my videos from my “Kitchen Sessions” and receiving such wonderful feedback, my confidence is growing, thank you.

I still have pain, I talk to my parents everyday, I still wish I was with them. I feel them around me and that gives me strength. I have formed the “Single Person Bubble” with the household of himself, I see my close friends and cousins in gardens and I am content. I know I have a new and very different path ahead now. There is more to my story and I’m back to start sharing the sparkle again. Thank you for sticking with me through this period and hello to all the new followers who have arrived over the past months, so good to have you here.

Have a wonderful weekend, stay safe, wear your mask and as always, share your sparkle.

Dawn xx

Life Sparkles

Restart.

September 16, 2019August 29, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.6 Comments

Things are so different. You wonder how is it possible for life to change so completely, so quickly and with such heartbreak and yet it has. I know I am not alone in this. I know this happens to people on a daily basis. Of course I am struggling with my own loss of everything right now and so I write about my story, my grief journey and about restarting my life. That’s how it feels, that somehow, right now, in the midst of everything I’m having to deal with this dreadful pain, the loneliness and yet restart my life.

Our GP said to me that if I was married, or had children or had still been at work, the days would be easier to get through because I would have distractions. However as my life for the past three years has been as a full time carer for my parents, with both of them passing so close together, suddenly my whole world was gone. I have to find myself again. Some people have said this is really exciting as I can now decide to do anything I want to, which is true. However right now, I don’t want to. Does that sound mean of me? I would give my life to have my parents back with me right this second. Perhaps that is mean of me, it’s selfish of me. I truly believe they are in heaven and fully restored to health. Things that they both told me long before their sudden passing leave me in no doubt that they are there, together, reunited with my sister and other family members. So yes it is selfish of me to want them back here with me but I want to be with them. I miss them. I miss the life I had with them. I know that I am incredibly lucky to have been blessed with them as parents and that I enjoyed such a great relationship with them.

Each morning is another realisation that this is it for me now, I can go out when I want, come in when I want, do what I want and I am just not used to this. This new freedom makes me feel so guilty yet what can I do, I must keep going and build a new life. No big decisions for the time being, my brain is not operating as it was and I don’t want to do anything in a rush and make a terrible mistake. If this is a new and exciting restart in my life I want to do it right. Although small errors are allowed, how else do we learn.

What was I thinking I bought Bikini’s and you know what, I’m going to wear them and not worry about curves and a bit of fat. Holidays are coming and I don’t mean Christmas, more about that on another blog post.

Dessert and a glass of Prosecco is never, ever, ever a mistake.

A new favourite, Vanilla Espresso Cocktails.

A new favourite flower, Alstroemeria, also known as Lily of the Incas.

I know my posts are fairly random as in randomly written but that’s just how I am, my brain is on automatic pilot, it feels like cotton wool some days but the blogging is such good therapy for me. My wonderful chap makes me laugh and looks after me so well. My friends and family are good to me, checking up on me, taking me out, we have laughs, long talks and some tears. My neighbours have been very supportive and are looking out for me too. I have some great support and for that I feel blessed and very grateful.

Thank you.

With love and sparkles xx

Life Sparkles

Death and Taxes.

September 9, 2019August 29, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.Leave a comment

In my opinion I don’t think anything can prepare you for the amount of administration, organising and general work that appears when someone close to you passes away. All this work appears when you are in the worst frame of mind and least prepared to carry it out. Having to do so much when my Dad passed at the end of January was a real eye opener, there were envelopes arriving every day with something to respond to, forms to complete, never mind the trip to the registrar to register the death and obtain the various forms required for the funeral to be carried out. I had only just finished the administration for Dad when my Mom passed four months later and I had to start again. Of course this time I knew what I had to do and when, but this time I had double the grief and trying to deal with everything was easy because I had done it once before so recently, and trying to deal with everything was difficult, because I had done it once before so recently.

Arranging orders of service, choosing readings and hymns, photographs for the orders of service. Liaising with various people to ensure everything could be done on a particular day and a particular time. Then designing memorial cards. Sending them out to family and friends, whilst in the meantime dealing with the various forms and letters, telephone calls, amendments of names etc etc. All whilst your brain has decided not to co-operate. You cannot be prepared for these events. I think it’s impossible.

Thankfully the people you are dealing with are used to talking to and helping bereaved family members. Everyone I have spoken to has been supportive, kind, helpful and explained in terms I understand what I need to do and by when. One of the nicest things that was said to me was when I was speaking to a chap in Ireland on the telephone and as he finished the conversation he told me to “mind myself”. Irish people will know that phrase, it means to take care of myself. It brought tears to my eyes, tears of comfort that a huge corporation had a human side and understood my pain.

A long time favourite film of mine is “Meet Joe Black”. I loved a scene towards the end of the film where Joe reveals his identity as an IRS Agent. The saying is correct, there are two things which are a certainty in life Death and Taxes.

With love and sparkles xx

Life Sparkles

Family Ties.

September 2, 2019August 29, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.Leave a comment

My family has been amazing. My cousins here in the UK have built what I can only call a wall of comfort and love around me. I feel so protected by them. They are not in touch with me every day, they don’t need to be, they are there, I only have to reach out. With WhatsApp we are in contact, we meet up for lunches, we plan meeting up in the future and they make sure I am as ok as I can be at the moment.

We recently had a fairly impromptu visit from our cousins in Tipperary which was wonderful. We hadn’t seen each other for such a long time it was fabulous to get together. Fourteen of us got together one evening for a birthday meal and it was just a crazy, everyone talking at once, laughing and enjoyable family evening. We even had two cousins arrive from Ireland that we didn’t know were coming, as a surprise. My Dad’s brother was so happy that we were all there together. Again, I felt protected, loved and looked after. We wondered if our respective parents were looking down from above and loving that we were all together after such a long time.

My cousin Marji and I go back a very long way, to my holidays as a teenager with her in Tipperary and the freedom we both had going to see the Irish Showbands at the dancehall miles away. My Dad was always there to drive us, bless him. We reconnected as if we had only seen each other last week.

Such a happy group photo – it was like herding cats getting us all in one place for photo’s, I think this was the most of us that managed to get into a photo at any one time.

My cousin Marji has the most beautiful voice. Marji runs the Tipperary Gospel Choir. Here is a link to her solo performance on RTE last year. Marji Maxwell

Her brother Michael runs Laois People which now also has a 24 hour country music radio station. Country music, Irish music and singing must just be in our DNA.

We may not get together very often but our family ties are strong, we have that bond and that’s what matters.

With love and sparkles xx

The Music Sparkle.

The Show Must Go On?

August 30, 2019August 29, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.Leave a comment

Well with everything that has happened and is happening in my life, the music has well and truly taken more than a backseat. I think it’s probably in another vehicle, on another road in a completely different City to me – that’s how distant and disengaged I have been from my music. Lots of very well meaning friends have said “get back to your singing you’ll feel better”, or “pick up your guitar and strum” you’ll feel better. I tried. I didn’t feel better. Music was a huge part of my life with my Mom and Dad, there wasn’t a day that there wasn’t a radio on, You Tube on, Keep it Country on, and all of us singing at one time or another during the day. We loved the music. My parents were so proud of me for following my dream but the dream doesn’t hold the same promise anymore.

My lovely guitar tutor on my first session with him recently suggested that we leave my usual genres of Country Music and Irish Music alone for a while. It could be too sad for me. So in order to get back to playing guitar and relearning the chords, we’ll try different genres. Great idea!! I did the same when I returned to my vocal coach and I sang some hits from the 1970’s. “Cherish” by Kool and the Gang. “Native New Yorker” from Odyssey. 1980’s and a beautiful song from Sade “Smooth Operator” and a more recent hit from Bryan Adams “You belong to me”. This was liberating and dare I say it, I enjoyed singing again.

I bought myself a new guitar book which has a range of songs within it. I printed off some other songs from the internet which just happen to be Country…it would appear I can’t leave Country Music alone. However, I am sitting a strumming this week for half an hour a day, the chords are returning and the tops of my fingers really hurt again as they harden up with the pushing down on the strings. (I have an acoustic guitar which has metal strings).

I returned to the choir recently although I sat in the back row and didn’t really sing out as my voice is still stressed, it will return in time. I have lost a lot of confidence. I know myself I am not the woman I was; confident, independent, fearless. The trauma of the year so far has stripped me of me. My confidence has been bolstered though when I looked at my You Tube channel Dawn Maxwell Music and seen that there has been a lot of activity recently with people watching/listening to the few videos I have on there. That made me happy.

The new Guitar book. Some are way too advanced for me yet but looking through the book I can see quite a few that I do know the chords so I will have a go at those and yes, there are a few country songs in there!

I have been told by many people that if you are into your music, then the music will help you heal. I’m beginning to think they are right. If I take it slowly, not push myself, stay away from the songs that break my heart for now, maybe, just maybe it is time for the show to go on.

With love, sparkles and country music xx

Life Sparkles

I didn’t want a Birthday this year.

August 12, 2019August 9, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.Leave a comment

I was dreading my birthday after losing Dad at the end of January. It was unbearable to think of a birthday with both of my parents not here as Mom followed Dad so quickly. I was quite happy to just let the day pass unnoticed. Family, friends and himself had other thoughts.

Beautiful hair gratis – thank you Pure Hair and Spa.

If you keep vouchers long enough they’ll come in handy – unless they expire of course.

A treat at my local hairdressers. On your birthday they give you a choice of gifts so I chose the wash and blow dry – always cheers me up. I also had a recommendation voucher which I used for a manicure – what a treat!

Birthday Chocolates

Celebration Fizz

Bang goes the diet.

One of my lovely friends then treated me to a celebration afternoon tea at a beautiful local hotel. It was a beautiful sunny and warm day so we sat outside, batted away wasps and enjoyed hundreds of calories.

No idea what this dish is but himself liked it.

Creature of habit – Chicken Korma it is.

Discovered a gorgeous bar.

French Raspberry Martini’s.

Himself took me for my first night away from home in four years to Lichfield which is a small but beautiful city not too far from where I live. We used to go there for New Year’s Eve back in the day, go to our favourite Indian restaurant, have a few cocktails, stop over and head for home the next day. And that’s exactly what we did the night before my birthday and I was fine. Not a tear. It felt very strange to turn my phone off when I went to bed, no-one was going to be calling me and I’m finding that hard to deal with.

Brunch, the morning after the night before.

Birthday Flowers.

More Birthday Flowers.

Even more Birthday Flowers.

Huge brunch which meant I didn’t eat until very late Saturday night. I received lots of flowers, chocolates and my very best friend bought me a rather large and sturdy suitcase with the words “get travelling woman”. The sobbing started when I opened up my birthday cards, that was very tough indeed.

I bought this bottle of Champagne last Christmas and I was saving it for a “special occasion”. I’m no longer going to save things, if I have them I’m going to enjoy them and live for today. As the saying goes, tomorrow is never promised and it takes pure heartbreaking events for us to really understand this. As my Dad would say “life is for living”. I drank the whole bottle over the course of three days and I don’t regret it one little bit.

With love and sparkles xx

Life Sparkles

Filling Time.

August 5, 2019July 30, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.7 Comments

It’s so strange to have time on my hands. I’ve gone from being on the go 24/7 to nothing. Those first few weeks alone after Mom rejoined Dad, I was up most of the night. I was watching “Now 90’s” on TV which revisited my clubbing days and I still love dance music. There was an 80’s music TV channel which I discovered and loved. 4 am to bed was early for me. I wasn’t tired and I didn’t want to go to bed and I didn’t want to go to sleep. Sleep meant forgetting what had happened and then when I woke the nightmare of truth just hit me all over again so no, I didn’t want to go to sleep.

I’ve been watching films galore. “Pitch Perfect” – oh how I enjoyed that one and also “Mamma Mia”. “Searching” was really good and I loved “Oblivion”. I escaped into these films, they engrossed me for the length of time they were on. When they were over though, once again reality hit and so did the tears. I struggle with evenings and overnight although thankfully I had a word with myself and I am now getting to bed at a much more reasonable hour.

With the recent good weather I decided to get out in the garden and plant some flowers in the empty, discarded and unloved plant pots. I was out there for four hours in the sunshine, birds singing, gentle breeze and the sound of children playing in nearby gardens. It lifted my heart somewhat. I’ll never be as good a gardener as my parents but I didn’t do too badly on my four hour shift.

I really hope these grow and trail as they should.

Very proud of this one, I grew it from seeds planted in March this year.

I can’t lay claim to these, I bought them as I love Geranium’s. Mom and I used to plant some each year, we never managed to keep them alive to the following year.

I’m definitely a have a go gardener xx

Life Sparkles

First Steps.

July 31, 2019July 30, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.Leave a comment

Going out for a walk with himself and then having lunch was an experience. It was perfectly pleasant, a normal kind of thing to do except that we haven’t done anything like that for a very long time. It was a strange experience for me. If I did pop out over the last three years I had the phone almost always in my hand, just in case I received a call to come home quickly. I was forever checking the time to ensure I was back before the carer who was covering for me had to leave. This gentle stroll and going for lunch was an experience for me as I no longer need to check my phone for missed calls. I no longer need to be back home by a certain time. There is no one at home that needs me anymore. My brain is having huge problems processing this information. “New Normal” has not yet kicked in. For now I shall continue to write about my journey from carer to former carer, from daughter to…what? I suppose I still am a daughter but my parents are gone ahead and I can’t see them although I talk to them all the time, it helps.

Yes, another glass of Kir Royale kind Sir.

Bistrot Pierre – reasonably priced and always, always busy.

Arancini – Yummy.

Roast Chicken which was delicious.

Thank you for your wonderful support xx

Life Sparkles

No words.

July 19, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.8 Comments

Yes, I have no words. I feel the need to write about how I’m feeling yet I cannot seem to find the words. How do you describe “this”? I have no idea how to convey the feelings of loss. Loss of my Dad, loss of my Mom and a loss of me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I was a full time carer. I was on the go all the time and I do mean, all the time. Sleep was a premium item, you just keep going because you have to. Now I have all the time in the world to sleep and can’t. When I do wake up in the morning a feeling of complete emptiness consumes me. What do I do? There isn’t anything to do. No-one to look after, no meals to prepare, no washing to do, no phone calls to health professionals, appointments to keep, prescriptions to renew, nothing, absolutely nothing.

The carer’s who were assisting me no longer need to call, no further need for the district nurses to call in nor for the Doctor to visit.

When I go out I am still constantly checking my phone for a missed call or a voicemail to tell me to come home, I still watch the time so as I am not out too long as I need to be back as the carer will be leaving and I still get up from my seat at certain times to get Dad’s medication or to put the music on for Mom. It’s all just too much and it’s all happened too close together. That’s life, this is what happens, none of us escape these losses. I sob and sob and sob, I let it out, I scream for my Mom, I talk to my Dad, I feel them near, I am comfortable at home, I’m close to them here. This is the one occasion in life that no one can make better, no one can make this right again. I just don’t know who I am anymore my identity has been stripped away.

It’s early days of course, just six weeks for Mom and just over five months for Dad. I get through each day, I have amazing friends, fabulous cousins, a wonderful man and lots of fantastic online connections all of whom are rooting for me, supporting me and helping me through. I’m blessed. I get strength from my faith.

Treated myself to scone and cappuccino when I went to arrange Mom’s flowers.

I’ve made a small altar next to the two chairs Mom and Dad always sat in. For now I have Mom’s Mass cards there but I will take them down when I feel ready.

After Mom’s funeral I stayed at my chap’s home for the weekend and helped him with his Mom. He’s a great cook, above are freshly made poppadum’s and onion bhaji’s. My current diet consists of mostly Prosecco and chocolate…not good I know but that’s just how it is for now.

A Vanilla Espresso Martini – one of many drinks I have raised in celebration of my parents and yes that includes Mom’s favourite, the cup of tea.

Thank you for bearing with my blackness, I just don’t have any sparkle at the moment.

Life Sparkles

Devastated.

June 19, 2019 Dawn - The Sparkle Diaries.2 Comments

According to the online dictionary I have just used, the word “Devastated” means “to cause (someone) severe and overwhelming shock or grief”. I have to say, that sounds about right.

Unbelievably I am back into a surreal nightmare. Just four months after losing Dad, my beautiful fairy of a Mom passed away suddenly and peacefully during the late afternoon of Saturday 8th June. How can this be happening? How can I have lost them both within such a short space of time? Suddenly I am plunged into this unreal world of pain, loss and nothing to do. Yes, I’m busy once again arranging a funeral, sorting out administration and trying to adapt to a house of just me. But I was a full time carer. My day wasn’t my own, I was on the go all the time and now…I’m sitting wondering what to do. It feels like someone has driven a bulldozer right through my life, everything is destroyed, everything has gone, what am I supposed to do now?

Mom was healthy, the doctor had checked her out and all observations were normal. Mom had been telling me for a week or so beforehand that she was going to God. Not a day went by that she didn’t tell me this and she sounded excited about it. One night she told me that Dad was in the room. Another when I was struggling with her bedclothes she told me to shhhh as Jesus was there. Another night she called me at 3:15 am to tell me she was going to God. For days beforehand she was completely lucid, absolutely no confusion at all. On the Saturday she went to God, I had decided to put Mass from Knock Shrine on the TV as we hadn’t had it on much since Dad passed. I answered the prayers, Mom rubbed my hand. I started to answer the Rosary as they said it at Knock. Half way through the TV turned itself off. At the same time, Mom’s breathing changed and within ten minutes, no matter how much I cried or begged her to stay, she went to God and she went to God with a huge beautiful smile on her face. Whatever or whoever she had seen my wonderful Mom was happy.

I’m not really in the mood for anything much but as I have time on my hands and writing my blog helps me, I’m sitting here typing away because I need something to do, I need to write, I need to cry and I want to scream.

Mama and Dad on holiday in Galway a lifetime ago, now reunited in heaven.

The house is full of beautiful flowers at the moment.

The house is also silent apart from the sound of my tears. Death is so final, you are helpless to prevent it when the time comes. As my Mom would say, you can’t alter God’s Plan.